Crossroads in life are all about this. Logic, that is, the head says one thing and your heart says another. There’s no doubt that we’ve all gone through such situations. The answer or decision is comparatively easy at times. At other times, its a real tug of war and we struggle to get out of the dilemma, we want to be sure we’re making the best possible decision.
The past year has been one such for me…
At work, I’d been feeling complacent and indifferent. I felt uninspired to give my best, attributing it to the fact that I’d been doing the same kind of work for a very long time. I thought about the alternatives that I could choose but was unable to come to a decision as to what to choose, since I would be a newbie in either fields/domains.
With the beginning of the new year, the confusion sort of cleared out for me. I chose neither of the options that I’d been mulling over. Without my realizing it, i’d begun to take more interest in my work and I got very positive feedback which made me realize that I have vast experience and expertise in my current field and it makes no sense to abandon that and start something afresh. It made me look at my work experience in a new light and lo! I made my decision to continue my work with more zeal so that it’ll help to move towards things that I could do without giving up everything that i have learnt so far.
At home, I was having a tough time with Ammu as she was becoming more and more complacent towards her studies and was becoming very ill tempered whenever things didnt go her way. I started feeling really hopeless sometimes. I’d been telling her since a long time that I would send her off to sister’s place as b-i-l is the only person she would listen to and comply with. Now, it seemed inevitable. And, sis and b-i-l too were getting concerned, for me as well as her.
In Nov last, when sister’s in laws went back to Kolkata, they took Ammu home with them. It was a very tough choice for me to make. on the one hand, I wanted her to understand that I want the best for her. I wanted her to focus on her studies, which would be possible as sis would be around in the evenings, unlike me. On the other, I did want to stay away from her, even though its just 10 mins away! Finally, I just decided to go with their decision, and I’m glad I did that.
Ammu is now much more regular at studies, is helping her chitti [my sis] with some household chores. Even though her outbursts have not disappeared altogether, she is slowly but surely becoming more patient and sensitive to others. She misses me a lot and is waiting for vacations to begin so that she’ll be back home. The countdown has begun!
As for me, I’m thankful for all that has happened and I hope the fruits of this effort remain. Especially amazed at the willingness of sis and b-i-l to take on this additional responsibility in the midst of their own hectic lives.
I’d been having to deal with dilemma on another front too. A personal one, that seemed to go on and on with no resolution in sight. By mid Nov, things seemed to sort out all of a sudden and by Dec end, I had a feeling that 2016 would be different. That things would change and move forward finally. Things did move forward but in a completely unexpected way and in a totally opposite direction! I was stumped… at yet another surprise from Life!
Just when I thought I got my answers, life showed me that indeed Life is in control, not me! I realized that I had the answer all along but had been reluctant to accept it. The situation did not go away, but with acceptance, things seemed easier to deal with. There is a kind of emptiness and the sometimes nagging thought but I’m more at peace with myself for having made up my mind to stay aligned to my nature and to give up on things that did not give me joy.