Parenting Skills Revisited! – Part 3

Well, I had intended to do this round up and assessment before the session on Parenting this year. And in a single post! But the first two points, EQ and Consistent Parenting, made one post each ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m hoping I’ll cover the rest here.

Be a role model – children are completely aware of their surroundings.They may not listen to your words but they sure listen to your body language. And beware โ€˜children do not do what you SAYโ€ฆthey do what you DOโ€™

Ever noticed children’s mannerisms? They look cute doing what they do! And any resemblance to either of the parents or anyone in the family… everyone goes ooh..aah ๐Ÿ™‚ So cute… so sweeeeet… so on. Its but natural! But what when the child shows some behavior that is not so nice… not so acceptable, and we go… ‘where do they learn such stuff from?‘. For most things, we need to just look within and we’ll know the answer! No doubt, kids will learn many things from outside the home. But the most basic stuff, they learn at home… in the initial years!!

And the experience was the same for me too. I was shocked when Ammu did the not-so-nice things. I realized, though a bit late, that I’ve been the role model. She is just like me at such times. Like, the way I yell at someone, or say defensively ‘Yes.. I’m like that only!’ My perspective… ‘I have been an obedient kind of child. Did not yell at my parents. Mostly complied to the ways they set for us. Now, I’m old enough to sometimes yell at people, to vent my ire, to expect younger sisters and dad to listen to me at times!, etc…‘ ย which seemed fair. Not a big deal I thought!

But how is she to know the difference? That, it is not OK to yell back at granpa or anyone for that matter. That, you cant say ‘Yes.. I’m like that only!‘ for everything. That, the context is not the same… for me and for her. I have accepted this and am working on myself at least to some extent. It seemed impossible to change my nature or my behaviour that has shaped up over so many years! But, I’m trying. Trying in the hope that I’ll be a good role model to her, may not be a perfect one though ๐Ÿ™‚ And, for the damage that is already done, I hope she’ll learn to unlearn those things… in due course. I sincerely hope that I’m right!!

Keep your word, if it is not not possible then do not make promises in the first place!

This is one golden rule which goes a long way in securing the trust from your child. I have not been 100% successful in implementing this. There are times when I say something or promise something but am not able to fulfill the promise because of some unexpected situation. Happens. But I see to it that it doesn’t happen often. Because she is quick to sense such things and has even said once ‘You say it but I know you wont do it‘. So I’m on my guard. I think before making any promise. And I try and explain to her whenever I’m unable to do something as promised! And thankfully, she understands ๐Ÿ™‚

Make children understand the value of things they have access to; never give into their whims and fancies just to save face.

This is one touchy topic and I can go wide and long with it ๐Ÿ™‚ But suffice it to say that I try very very much to adhere to this. I don’t like it even when my dad and sisters and their husbands indulge her too much. In fact I tell them so! One such point I have mentioned previously also. And believe me, most stuff in her wardrobe and book shelf is due to their combined contribution ๐Ÿ™‚ I know that she has got lot of stuff even before she has asked for it. But I make it a point to make her realize, whenever possible, just how blessed she is!! and that she needs to value all that she has got and be thankful to God for all this!!

Many parents may feel that this is too early an age for all this. But for me, it is the way of life… value the things that you have. The tangible ones as well as the intangible ones! And I love to keep thisย dialogย going… between me and her ๐Ÿ™‚ This does not mean that she doesn’t make any demands! But she knows what to expect from mamma. Probably that is the reason she doesnt throw tantrums in a mall or any shopping place!!

Here’s a secret… one time you give in to their unreasonable demands and they’ve got you!! So be firm and put your feet down when you feel the kid is being unreasonable. Do not try toย accommodateย ‘just this one time’ to avoid the tantrum! It will prove to be costly!!

Donโ€™t be guilty if you are not able to a spend lot of time with them and never splurge on them out of a guilty consciousness, but make sure you spend QUALITY time with them whenever it is possible.

I used to feel guilty and even now, I do when I end up going home late in spite of not having much work at the office. But I don’t remember having ever splurged on Ammu out of guilty consciousness. Instead, we have our own unique konjifying* time. Ammu actually says ‘I feel like konjifying you mamma‘ ๐Ÿ™‚ It takes just a few minutes… we hug… we roll over on the bed … we giggle some ๐Ÿ˜€ Thats all it takes. And it is so gratifying! more than any toy or any gift can ever make you feel!! and then she goes off happily to do her own thing ๐Ÿ™‚

As for ‘quality time’ vs ‘quantity time’. I’m not so sure. I feel there needs to be a balance between the two. ‘Quality time’ all the time is not very feasible I guess. Meaning I cant be involved with all that she does every waking moment that I’m at home. And she also does not expect that from me. Ammu tells me ย whenever she wants me to be with her or do something with her. Sometimes she just wants me to be in the same room as her. I sit beside her and read something…maybe the newspaper or a magazine. Other times I do stuff like cutting the vegetables, with her doing her drawing or writing. Most other times she lets me do my thing. And if i’m taking too much of time in the kitchen or even in the bathroom, she comes asking me what I’m upto ๐Ÿ˜€ I’m always on her mind!! And then we talk a bit, exchange some jappis or ummas ๐Ÿ™‚ Again get back to what we were doing.

When Adi is with us, my involvement needs to be near about 100%. You never know what the two are upto. One moment they are playing happily and next you can hear a scream!! I try to just observe them when they are busy with something. Love the excitement in their eyes, eager to tell me what it is that they are doing ๐Ÿ™‚ I realize that the kids just need us to be around and to feel that we care about what they are doing!!

Negatives put them offโ€ฆDONโ€™T, NO, NOT THAT, etc are words that parents use without discretion, in an effort to teach children the right things..Whenever possible try to use positives, or else, after the negative…explain why…in words or figuratively…why not to do a certain thingโ€ฆ.even a small baby can comprehend expressions..if not words

This is the most difficult part. For me at least. I have tried the suggestion of using positives and offering explanations. But there are certain things that Ammu will do no matter what I tell. Out of curiosity maybe or due to habit. It gets exasperating for me, many a times ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I dislike the fact that she does it even though she understands why I tell her not to do a certain thing. Dad says… ‘just wait for some more time’ I wonder!!

Adi tries to get his share of fun by doing such things and then looking up to see if we are watching.ย Like touching the switches, which is a favorite among kids. The more we tell him that it is dangerous to fiddle with electric switches and gadgets, the more curious he is to explore them!! I really really don’t know if children will not do certain things just by knowing the consequence of their actions. Maybe I’m not doing it correctly ๐Ÿ˜ฆ But yes… I try as much as I can to avoid negatives. Perhaps, I’ll see the results only in the long run. For now, I just want that the kids dont run into trouble trying to do stuff that is not suited for them. Any pointers that will help me on this one, are most welcome!!!

Phew! I’m done with this exercise. Overall,I think we’re doing pretty good for now ๐Ÿ˜€ But I need to work much more on the role model bit.

Konjify* – from konjum, a tamil word meaning ‘to pamper with love’. Am I right Ums?

P.S: The points I have mentioned here and in the previous posts are from a workshop on Parenting skills by Dr Ali Khwaja. And this is an assessment of how we’ve fared in the past year, with respect to these points.

13 thoughts on “Parenting Skills Revisited! – Part 3

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    1. Yes, no Swaru around… ๐Ÿ˜‰ And that word is perfect – Konjum – konjifying – love it. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Actually love the whole post. ๐Ÿ™‚

      You’ve written all that I’ve undergone, in clear headings. Its such a great thing and lots of hard work – PARENTING and every day and moment, the parents too keep learning along with the children.

      – I stopped using swear words…because I didn’t want my children to learn them.
      – This problem my husband faces – he is too quick to promise, but sometimes he is unable to keep up to them. I keep telling him, to take it easy – there is no need to promise – do it if you can, thats all. We still argue on this aspect. ๐Ÿ˜‰
      – That we have done – making the girls understand the value of things.
      – Quality time – yes, it does matter a lot. The moment they come back from school, the first 30 mins at home are precious and I never will miss it, for anything. Then, they are on their own.
      – So true, Priya – positives are always a great way to change attitudes.

      Love this post and special hugs to Ammu for konjifying her amma. ๐Ÿ™‚


      1. Oh wow Uma! Love your detailed comment ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for your side of the story!
        Yes.. parenting is hard work and learning all the way! Here, the konjifying happens when I return home ๐Ÿ™‚ I feel blessed!!
        Will pass on the hugs to Ammu ๐Ÿ™‚


  1. I love ur this post too.. Really nice to have all points jotted down like that. i’m going to paste that on my desk at office. My husband is guilty of unnecessary splurging just to escape the guilt of spending less time with her. I’ve started being firm abt certain behaviour too. and changed a lotttttttttt. If i’m angry with my husband because of something his mom would have said or for his coming home late on days when i’ve needed him most, she senses it. i don’t have to say it out loud.. she asks me.. why are u angry with my pappa? Mumma.. are u sad? My god! its like an eye opener. I am very careful with promises and positive reinforcement too ๐Ÿ™‚
    Do keep such posts coming n ammu is really lucky to have u ๐Ÿ™‚


    1. So glad that you liked it Shruti ๐Ÿ™‚
      Kids do sense it out when something is not normal. Ammu also asks me why I’m angry or upset, just looking at my face. She just cant take it. For her sake I regain my composure very quickly. Which is actually good for me ๐Ÿ™‚ Kids help us in their own ways na?


    1. Thanks Anu! Very glad of your visit to my page ๐Ÿ™‚
      I’ve visited yours as well and had even left a comment recently on the post ‘Garden isle’!
      Loved your home tour at Patty’s and the lovely pics at Lakshmi’s!!


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