Tiny Tidbits!

.. that are not so tiny after all…

There were a bunch of videos waiting to be converted to CDs. Some were 3 yrs old. Thats how much we’d been procrastinating on that ‘to do’, for any number of reasons… obviously. However, this is not about the reasons but about the CDs Finally got them done…

Past week saw me watching these videos first thing when I got back home. Bliss!! watching the two kids while they were still little and more so coz they themselves were watching!! and going awww over each other

One scene, during Diwali 2008, where Adi’s walking to and fro with encouragement from all of us… he’d just started walking then. One particular time he’s just walking to the one whoever-was-doing-the-recording. Watching it, he asks, Bomma why i’m not going to didi? I was soooo awed by this sweet lil innocent question of his. In his tiny lil mind he’s so sure that the only direction he would go towards is to his didi .. why then he’s not headed there!!

I explained to him that it was the handy cam that he wanted to get and so he had walked in that direction and not towards his didi. He seemed to understand… but wasn’t quite satisfied with my answer though! It looked like he was thinking ‘how ridiculous !!’

At one point, he said ‘ I always want to go to didi only. I always like didi only’. Saying this, he hugged her and showered her with kisses

I had expected to relive cute moments watching the videos… but to recreate magic moments like this… totally unexpected, totally charming, totally awwwww!!! Felt truly blessed and full of love and gratitude… a feeling that no words can completely express!!!

Another memorable scene.. he’s got presents on his b’day 2010. He’s curious to know whats in a particular pack. But the focus shifts to the cake and the scene changes. Now, he’s fidgeting and wants to know what was in that pack. He goes ‘i want to see my giftttt’ thinking that we have changed something or done something so that he’s not able to see what was in there

Moral: Cute scenes are almost always followed with ‘tantrumy’ scenes… bringing us back to earth… with a bang! Package it is… sigh!!

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Last night, Ammu said ‘Mamma, at first there was only one mamma and one daddy. Then their babies had babies.. and so on.. isnt it?  So all of us in this world are friends na… all those whom we know and even those whom we dont know. All are friends only na mamma?’

I don’t recollect how the topic came about…I have never spoken to her about this. And, she tells  no one told her this! Lil mind… big thoughts. I’m totally amazed at how simple this seems to her and how accepting she is!!

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It was their school’s  Annual day on the 6th of Nov. Adi’s first stage performance! Danced enthusiastically to the song ‘bum bum bole’ from ‘Taare Zameen par’. It was a totally cute and energetic performance by the tiny tots!! Adi was so very excited when they were done. But his excitement seemed to be so much more more when he saw his didi dancing on stage!! When we all gathered outside the auditorium later on.. he ran towards her and hugged and kissed her excitedly!!! Didi’s fan he is … totally!!

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Musings

Few days ago, Adi was playing by switching the study light on and off. He did not heed my words to not do that… so I threatened to put him in the balcony. Almost dragged him there..

Immediately he said sorry and that he wont do it again. I let him go. He went crying… saying that he’ll tell his baba to not talk to bomma (me). Dad who didnt see what had happened, just asked him ‘Is your bomma good? Do you like her?’ Adi thought for a sec and said ‘yes’ . So dad replied ‘Then, your baba will ask you what you did to upset bomma? He’ll not say anything to her.’

Later when his baba n mamma came, he didnt utter a word about the incident and I was curious. Then dad told me what had transpired between them. I was very amazed by the clarity of his thoughts. Even when he felt bad about the incident (me dragging him to the balcony) he was clear that I am good and that he liked me!! Also, he understood dad’s reasoning and refrained from complaining!!

* Much of the suffering/pain is when we are not clear in our minds. We mix up facts and our feelings and end up hurting ourselves and most of the times, others also.

Also, Adi is very quick to let go of hurt feelings. One moment he sobs bitterly, hurt and almost inconsolable. And just a few moments later, he comes around. His usual self… all cheerful and friendly. Especially, with his didi. Is it just him or are all kids like that? I wonder. Even Ammu never gives up so easily. She needs to be consoled, cajoled. Even that doesnt seem to work at times … Or is it a guy thing? Not generalizing or stereotyping… its just that I have very little or no experience with lil boys!!

* How very nice it would be if we could let go of hurt or perceived hurt so easily. And rejoice at every lil joy and victory with a yayyyy!! or a dinka chika dinka chika like he does

Needless to say, he gives us much joy!! with every passing day. He’s my sweet rosogulla and I hope he stays this way!!!

Motherhood!!

 A tag after quite a long time… and an interesting one too

When Momofrs passed on this one to me, I wondered what to write! Much has already been written by the others and I have been nodding my head in agreement at most things. Coz motherhood does make you go through all of that… at least in bits here n there. And so I wondered what else did I learn?

The thoughts then began flowing … Not sure if its about learning per se, but mostly its about the kind of person I’ve become … about how I’ve evolved personally since I became a mother.

1. Before and during pregnancy, my health was in a bad state. Medications for the arthritis had led to a host of other problems and had left my system in a pathetic condition. And I had given up on a cure. My doc did the best she could to find the root cause and help in whatever way she could. She took great care and though I didnt improve much, I had a relatively safe n normal delivery!!  However, with low temperatures the stiffness of joints would be back and would not allow me to even hold my lil one at times. It was hopelessness of a huge magnitude that I felt at that time. The feeling is undescribable!! It was a kind of turning point for me. Made me realize that I need to take good care of myself if I had to take care of her!! .. and all the others around me.
2. Loss of health had made me a terrible person. I was highly irritable and had kind of lost my bearings. I had given up on myself and was literally down in the dumps. With her arrival, cheer returned to my life. And slowly but surely, with the support of my dear ones, I turned around. I realized that I have it in me to create the life that I desire and from then on there has been no looking back. ‘Dont worry.. she is a fighter’ a doctor had told me once when I was worried about her health. And she has inspired me to be a fighter and not give up easily.
3. Ammu has cystal clear memory. I have always been amazed when she narrates incidents… places things n people in context. And when I think back, I realize we all have memories of incidents, people, places that made the most impact on us… either in a positive or a negative way. Also, I realized that memories are special. And we need not do crazy stuff to create them. Just everyday moments of togetherness… a ritual.. an activity can be so memorable. Just the other day, Ammu made a new friend. When he asked her about me… she said ‘My mamma makes drawings, does art n craft and goes to office’!! Could I ask for more?
4. Kids see something nice and they are delighted!! They have the ability to be surprised at lil things.. at silly games… even when there is not much novelty in those. They can make mistakes and laugh out loud!! There is a sense of awe every time we get them stuff that they are crazy about… like books n pencils for Ammu!! They’ve always been special for her And I wonder whether we appreciate things the same way as they do? I have always adored nature .. the plants, flowers, the sky the animals… But now it is more with a sense of awe which has been rekindled by the presence of lil ones. Awe at the beauty in lil things.. in their precious smiles. Awe at the process of creation… much like the tiny one created out of myself which continues to inspire awe in me even now!!
5. One day when I was shouting at Ammu for something she had done/not done..no idea what it was.. she just said ‘what you are telling mamma? I cant understand anything’!!  I get annoyed and most of the times my response has been to yell. Yell out do’s and dont’s… instructions. Or just yell out my helplessness. Hoping that the other person will get my point. It has taken so many years and a lil one to let me know that yelling never serves the purpose. It was a revelation of sorts for me !! I have now sobered down quite a bit. And tell things slowly when I have to get across my message to her With others.. I know its an uphill task.. but at least I make an effort to be aware of my emotions and my intentions.

Well! these are the 5 for the tag. And then there are a lots of other things.. most important being that I truly realized what ‘kids learn what we do and not what we tell’  means Am trying really hard to undo the damage.. but I wonder! Only time will tell… keeping my fingers crossed!!

As for tagging 5 people, most mommy bloggers that I know of have already been tagged. If you’re a mommy blogger and have not been tagged yet , please take this up I’ll surely visit and read your version if you will leave me a link

A child is a seed to be nourished!

As elaborated earlier, a child is a precious seed that needs appropriate nourishment to grow and evolve into a healthy human being!

Nourishing a child involves providing wholesome nourishment … encompassing all the aspects, not just the physical. These are broadly classified as; Physical, Mental, Social, Spiritual and Emotional.

Nourishment of the Physical being…

* Children grow rapidly in this phase. Care should be taken to give them the proper diet to help them in their overall development and growth. Improper diets will lead to lot of health problems later.
* This is a phase when they lose their milk teeth and get their new permanent teeth. Care should be taken to see that their self esteem is not affected by the change in their look, smile, etc. positive reinforcements will give them the much needed support in the face of ridicule from friends and peers.
* Hearing and eyesight should be monitored regularly. Many a times, it has been found that it is the hearing or eyesight issues that lead to poor performance rather than lack of skills or intelligence.
* Children must be encouraged to have physical activity. But care should be taken that the amount of physical activity is age appropriate. Else, it will lead to a burn out and in turn, loss of concentration and crankiness.
* Sleep. Is of paramount importance. It helps to not only rejuvenate the body but also in assimilating all the learning that is done on a daily basis.

Nourishment of the Mental faculties…

Which is the most important subject? When asked this question, most parents answered either science or mathematics! I was undecided but nowhere near the answer!!

According to experts, Language is the most important subject. Surprised??… I was
Language skills, especially reading and comprehension are most valued. It goes.. ‘Learn to read so that you can read to learn’ Just perfect. Isnt it? I felt why didnt I think of that!

When a child begins to read and comprehend, its mental faculties begin to expand!! So at this initial stage of learning, appropriate emphasis on language skills is very necessary… so that the right foundation is laid for further learning in the true sense! Not of the rote learning variety…

Nourishment of the Social aspects…

* Friendships at this stage are of transient nature. It is more of companionship rather than an emotional bonding. Hence children tend to make friends easily as well as let go of friends. Nevertheless, friendships help the child grow in many ways. Hence children should be encouraged to make friends and to involve in group activities.

* Parents and siblings are an integral part of a child’s life. A wholesome, encouraging environment goes a long way in molding the child’s outlook towards life!! Needless to say… the child’s first and best lessons in life are learnt from the ways of the family. However, opposed to the trend of parents being friends to their kids, the speaker suggests that a parent should be a parent and not a friend to their kids. They can indeed be a friendly parent whom the child can look up to but not a friend who the child treats as an equal!!

As for siblings, parents have a vital role to play in providing a balanced environment for the siblings… where they can grow as individuals with self esteem. Parents should take care to avoid behavior that will boost one of them but demoralize the other. They should encourage them to bond, share and learn harmoniously.

* An interesting aspect here was the introduction of the concept of the Traffic lights at home! Red light to indicate the rule(s) that are to be followed by everyone in the family. Like maybe washing hands before a meal, etc. Amber light to indicate rule(s) that are different for people of different ages. Like, the children should go to bed by 9 and parents can go to bed later, giving them time to catch up on unfifnished tasks, books or a movie maybe Then comes the Green light, which indicates flexibility…freedom of expression, the freedom to indulge in activities that help one blossom!

Nourishment of the Spiritual aspect…

Traits or qualities in an apple are passed on to the seeds and in turn are passed on to apples and the process continues… So also are values. A certain set of values get passed on through generations… explicitly and implicitly! So care should be taken to teach/pass on the right social and moral values to a child so that it can grow spiritually and gain mental strength to face the roller coaster called life! This may involve certain amount of unlearning and relearning of values/habits by the parents themselves!! Involves awareness and right attitude from the parent(s). Not an easy thing to do… but definitely achievable if there is the willingness to invest in the child’s well being

Nourishment of the Emotional aspect…

The emotional well being of a child underlines its overall health… including the physical, mental, social and spiritual. And the primary need of a child is to be heard… to be communicated with. It is of great significance then, to communicate with the child. Which is not just limited to listening. It is important to ‘talk with your body to the child’s body’!

Try this simple exercise with someone in front of you.. Tell the person(s) to do the same along with you.

Hold your right hand forward .. in front of the face and bring the thumb, forefinger and middle finger together. Now, bring the fingers to your face and touch your right cheek, while saying aloud ‘Touch your chin’. Observe the other person(s). Note that he/she will most probably touch the cheek and not the chin as told. All the parents in the hall touched their cheeks!!!

This is the power of visual communication! As per studies, only a small percent of the information is registered through hearing!! To ensure wholesome communication with the child, try to focus your whole body to the child’s. A simple nod or answer while busy with your own work may be sufficient many a times. But there will be times when the child needs your attention… more than hearing. Make it possible for your to communicate with your child in a wholesome manner. It will boost the child like nothing else

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I was very glad to have attended the counselling session. I am hoping that I’ll be able to apply at least some part of this learning in raising my kids. And also hope that it may be of some use to those who read me now… or in the future Happy parenting!!!

P.S: These points are for parents of children of age group 7-14. And mostly as said by the speaker. These are meant to provide direction and are not exhaustive.

Parenting Skills Revisited! – Part 3

Well, I had intended to do this round up and assessment before the session on Parenting this year. And in a single post! But the first two points, EQ and Consistent Parenting, made one post each I’m hoping I’ll cover the rest here.

Be a role model – children are completely aware of their surroundings.They may not listen to your words but they sure listen to your body language. And beware ‘children do not do what you SAY…they do what you DO’

Ever noticed children’s mannerisms? They look cute doing what they do! And any resemblance to either of the parents or anyone in the family… everyone goes ooh..aah So cute… so sweeeeet… so on. Its but natural! But what when the child shows some behavior that is not so nice… not so acceptable, and we go… ‘where do they learn such stuff from?‘. For most things, we need to just look within and we’ll know the answer! No doubt, kids will learn many things from outside the home. But the most basic stuff, they learn at home… in the initial years!!

And the experience was the same for me too. I was shocked when Ammu did the not-so-nice things. I realized, though a bit late, that I’ve been the role model. She is just like me at such times. Like, the way I yell at someone, or say defensively ‘Yes.. I’m like that only!’ My perspective… ‘I have been an obedient kind of child. Did not yell at my parents. Mostly complied to the ways they set for us. Now, I’m old enough to sometimes yell at people, to vent my ire, to expect younger sisters and dad to listen to me at times!, etc…‘  which seemed fair. Not a big deal I thought!

But how is she to know the difference? That, it is not OK to yell back at granpa or anyone for that matter. That, you cant say ‘Yes.. I’m like that only!‘ for everything. That, the context is not the same… for me and for her. I have accepted this and am working on myself at least to some extent. It seemed impossible to change my nature or my behaviour that has shaped up over so many years! But, I’m trying. Trying in the hope that I’ll be a good role model to her, may not be a perfect one though And, for the damage that is already done, I hope she’ll learn to unlearn those things… in due course. I sincerely hope that I’m right!!

Keep your word, if it is not not possible then do not make promises in the first place!

This is one golden rule which goes a long way in securing the trust from your child. I have not been 100% successful in implementing this. There are times when I say something or promise something but am not able to fulfill the promise because of some unexpected situation. Happens. But I see to it that it doesn’t happen often. Because she is quick to sense such things and has even said once ‘You say it but I know you wont do it‘. So I’m on my guard. I think before making any promise. And I try and explain to her whenever I’m unable to do something as promised! And thankfully, she understands

Make children understand the value of things they have access to; never give into their whims and fancies just to save face.

This is one touchy topic and I can go wide and long with it But suffice it to say that I try very very much to adhere to this. I don’t like it even when my dad and sisters and their husbands indulge her too much. In fact I tell them so! One such point I have mentioned previously also. And believe me, most stuff in her wardrobe and book shelf is due to their combined contribution I know that she has got lot of stuff even before she has asked for it. But I make it a point to make her realize, whenever possible, just how blessed she is!! and that she needs to value all that she has got and be thankful to God for all this!!

Many parents may feel that this is too early an age for all this. But for me, it is the way of life… value the things that you have. The tangible ones as well as the intangible ones! And I love to keep this dialog going… between me and her This does not mean that she doesn’t make any demands! But she knows what to expect from mamma. Probably that is the reason she doesnt throw tantrums in a mall or any shopping place!!

Here’s a secret… one time you give in to their unreasonable demands and they’ve got you!! So be firm and put your feet down when you feel the kid is being unreasonable. Do not try to accommodate ’just this one time’ to avoid the tantrum! It will prove to be costly!!

Don’t be guilty if you are not able to a spend lot of time with them and never splurge on them out of a guilty consciousness, but make sure you spend QUALITY time with them whenever it is possible.

I used to feel guilty and even now, I do when I end up going home late in spite of not having much work at the office. But I don’t remember having ever splurged on Ammu out of guilty consciousness. Instead, we have our own unique konjifying* time. Ammu actually says ‘I feel like konjifying you mamma‘ It takes just a few minutes… we hug… we roll over on the bed … we giggle some Thats all it takes. And it is so gratifying! more than any toy or any gift can ever make you feel!! and then she goes off happily to do her own thing

As for ‘quality time’ vs ‘quantity time’. I’m not so sure. I feel there needs to be a balance between the two. ‘Quality time’ all the time is not very feasible I guess. Meaning I cant be involved with all that she does every waking moment that I’m at home. And she also does not expect that from me. Ammu tells me  whenever she wants me to be with her or do something with her. Sometimes she just wants me to be in the same room as her. I sit beside her and read something…maybe the newspaper or a magazine. Other times I do stuff like cutting the vegetables, with her doing her drawing or writing. Most other times she lets me do my thing. And if i’m taking too much of time in the kitchen or even in the bathroom, she comes asking me what I’m upto I’m always on her mind!! And then we talk a bit, exchange some jappis or ummas Again get back to what we were doing.

When Adi is with us, my involvement needs to be near about 100%. You never know what the two are upto. One moment they are playing happily and next you can hear a scream!! I try to just observe them when they are busy with something. Love the excitement in their eyes, eager to tell me what it is that they are doing I realize that the kids just need us to be around and to feel that we care about what they are doing!!

Negatives put them off…DON’T, NO, NOT THAT, etc are words that parents use without discretion, in an effort to teach children the right things..Whenever possible try to use positives, or else, after the negative…explain why…in words or figuratively…why not to do a certain thing….even a small baby can comprehend expressions..if not words

This is the most difficult part. For me at least. I have tried the suggestion of using positives and offering explanations. But there are certain things that Ammu will do no matter what I tell. Out of curiosity maybe or due to habit. It gets exasperating for me, many a times I dislike the fact that she does it even though she understands why I tell her not to do a certain thing. Dad says… ‘just wait for some more time’ I wonder!!

Adi tries to get his share of fun by doing such things and then looking up to see if we are watching. Like touching the switches, which is a favorite among kids. The more we tell him that it is dangerous to fiddle with electric switches and gadgets, the more curious he is to explore them!! I really really don’t know if children will not do certain things just by knowing the consequence of their actions. Maybe I’m not doing it correctly But yes… I try as much as I can to avoid negatives. Perhaps, I’ll see the results only in the long run. For now, I just want that the kids dont run into trouble trying to do stuff that is not suited for them. Any pointers that will help me on this one, are most welcome!!!

Phew! I’m done with this exercise. Overall,I think we’re doing pretty good for now But I need to work much more on the role model bit.

Konjify* – from konjum, a tamil word meaning ‘to pamper with love’. Am I right Ums?

P.S: The points I have mentioned here and in the previous posts are from a workshop on Parenting skills by Dr Ali Khwaja. And this is an assessment of how we’ve fared in the past year, with respect to these points.

Parenting skills revisited! Part 2

Here i wrote about EQ. Now,it is 'Consistency' the next big buzzword!!

Be consistent in what you say and what you do – changing your stance every other day confuses the child, inconsistency between spouses, between parents and grandparents need to be resolved [though not in his/her presence], so that a finite set of rules or conditions are to be followed.

This seems to be a bane in most homes, consistency or rather, the lack of it! It is the cause of many unpleasant episodes… that could range anywhere from little arguments … to heated battles  Of course, as parents, we learn about consistency/inconsistency and its effects over a period of time. Through experience But knowing about this simple parenting rule at the outset, makes a whole lot of difference! Though, achieving this state of consistency is another ball game altogether!!

As for me, I learnt it with experience! Dad disapproved of my ways of handling Ammu in certain situations and we would get into arguments and altercations, which i’ve mentioned previously also. I had tried telling him many times that his interference will be construed by her, as acceptance of her behavior. And would make it look like I’m being strict unnecessarily But it never had much impact on my dad initially. He just didn’t want me to yell at or spank his dear darling princess! No matter what she did His reasoning was that yelling and spanking is no way to handle small kids. And, each time… he would go… ‘You just wait for another year… she’ll understand you better and will do as you say’

Sometimes I disapproved of his methods to maintain status quo. He would generally relent to all her demands. Mostly she used to ask for note books, pencils, erasers, sharpeners… such stuff. She would pester him to buy, even when she had plenty of them. And this I did not like. His reasoning was that she asks for books, etc and not toys and other such things. In a way he was right, but my concern was that she should learn to value the things that she already possessed. And just because he can afford he should not give in to her demands unnecessarily, is what I felt.

Initially, I didnt talk to dad about my point of view. I was concerned that I may hurt him, given the fact that I had no control on my temper at times, especially when i would get all charged during a discussion. But after a while, I just decided to talk things out and make him understand my concerns regarding Ammu’s behavior and his responses to her demands. And that has made a world of difference!! He is more accepting of my ways now and generally, we seem to be on the same page Also, over the years,  I have trained my mind consciously, to be more patient. And that has greatly contributed as well. No, dont jump to conclusions yet! It is not all rosy rosy now… just that it is much much more bearable

I believe, this process of coming to a consensus, will have to be done over and over again as the child grows and the phases change… which will seem to be ever so often! As parents, we need to be on our toes, in sync with time and prepare ourselves mentally for each new thing, each new phase!

So, to all you parents out there… Best wishes for your efforts towards consistent parenting! Would love to hear your stories too And… for the to be parents, you’ve got a head start

On Mother’s day!

Three cheers to Ammu n Adi…for giving the joys of motherhood…for helping me rediscover my strengths and making life sooooooooo colourful and soooooooo full of life..

Thinking of Mother’s day, my mind is filled with mixed feelings n thoughts…memories of my mom and the memories of my own journey to motherhood. My mom’s simple joys, her struggles and battles..my own little struggle n my joys of being a mother…all at once. Though my mom is no more, I’m sure that she is with us all the time..in our joys..n our struggles..giving support n helping us be better humans. She’s the bond that holds us sisters together n I hope n wish that we remain like this for all times to come…bonding ever more n supporting each other through thick and thin…

Bless us Mom, so that we can live our lives with courage and conviction…just as you would have wanted us to.